i'm still a dragon

05 Oct, 2024

long time no see! or write? or something.

i've been well! a little lost for sure, but largely coping better with the uncertainty of being a living, breathing person in the world.

grandpa is two months out from his fracture and on the mend doing physical therapy every couple of days. i admit i haven't been to see him lately; he always looks so sad when i say i've got to leave. i'm working on it. thankfully one of my uncles has come down from the province to help care for him, which is sweet.

taking time to regroup offline has been good. not that blogging takes that much of a toll on my mental faculties, but keeping up a presence anywhere on the web can sometimes feel like having another mask to maintain. personally i find it very quickly devolves into me fistfighting with phantom expectations, and this does nothing to forward my ultimate goal of becoming the coolest person ever.

right, so— i took august off and started up my creative burnout recovery thread in early september instead. it's been surprisingly fun! i'm lagging behind my goals by a week or so, but i've picked up drawing practice again and it's not like, agonizing. i suspect this is because i mainly deal in graphic design and not illustration, but a win is a win.

the best thing about learning any craft is rediscovering how much intentionality there's got to be behind every move you make. even if a sketch doesn't turn out very well, the voice in my head that insists everything i do is a waste of time remains quiet for all of it. i struggle a lot with feeling present, but art has always been grounding in a way i can't really put into words.

a little practice sketch of aspen, my shifter artificer oc from the dnd campaign moi runs for us. the antithesis of cool, suave, and aloof— an anxious nerd who cares deeply about everybody. (perhaps too much.)

i get teary-eyed thinking about the brimsverse kids all the time. sorting yourself out, especially while you're in school, is such an ordeal. i'm due to write a more in-depth entry about ocs, ttrpgs, and identity at a later date; but one of the most enduring joys of playing so far has been this: i may very well be the same timid, careless, superficial coward i was as a teenager. but aspen? i know he's getting stronger every day.

this seems like a good place to end the entry. i'll definitely try to write again soon! while retreating has done a lot to calm my nerves, i won't lie: it's been lonely.

p.s. for anybody reading who commemorates fma day yearly like i do— i hope your october 3rd was momentous. no going back now, right?