feeling strange

28 Mar, 2024

because grief is difficult to talk about (but demands to be parsed in some way) here is, instead, a non-comprehensive list of silly, bizarre, and errant reflections i've had throughout the past two weeks:

• is this it? is this it now?
• i don't want to let you go but i fear it's happening. i think it's happening. do you hate this? i think you're tired. i think i would be tired.
• don’t think. don’t think, just do. we’ll figure it out when we get there. stop thinking. right. just like that.
• every time someone starts off a conversation with achi¹ it means some serious shit is about to be asked of me. this is so stupid but i swear if i wasn’t the first-born this would be impossible for me.
• i don't know when it was i shed my stage fright but i imagine it was sometime between the last hospital visit and this moment i am swallowing down five years of religious trauma to serve as lector for your funeral rites. man, anything is so easy if it's for you.
• oh. oh— it's. there is no world in which i am not a reader, is there? that's it. that makes sense to me. that works. i can work with that.
• okay. okay, fine. "though i walk in the valley of darkness, i fear no evil; for you are with me," is metal. as. shit.
• can we get ice cream? i need a sundae. i need something cold and sweet between my teeth, if not extra spicy. it's less a want and more a tether. i need a tether.
• the sun is so good when you catch it between just the right amount of foliage. the colors are so vivid and paint-like.
• this scene from fleabag is so much funnier when it happens to you in real life. seriously. is it worse people are so complimentary or that i can't be totally unhappy about it?
• i almost wish it was always this quiet, and that everyone would always be this gentle. almost. i’d miss the fighting too much.
• i should be more upset. i should be more upset but i'm not. i wish someone could tell me whether that means i'm stronger, or if it means there's something broken somewhere.
• why do we always end up in the emergency room?
• having such a simple rice cooker has spoiled me. i've got to master everyone else's controls. i think a warm breakfast is the only thing getting my uncles through the day.
• okay, no. i’m stronger. i’m definitely fucking stronger. i was bluffing before but i’m serious now. messenger, nightwatcher, finder of meds, reader, waiter, smile on my face hater. stronger.
• living life is hard. leaving is hard. seeing everyone be so sad is terrible. i wish it wasn’t such a struggle, even if fighting was always gonna be worth it.
• god i wish we could have took you out to brunch a couple more times.
• holy shit. this stranger's cat is on my lap, purring. holy shit, am i a good person? i must be a good person. a little bit. holy shit.
• been asked to say goodbye so many times it’s starting to sound a lot like hello.
• thank god i'm young. i'd never have been ready or old enough, but thank god i'm this age. i couldn't, if i wasn't. that doesn't make anything right, but just. i couldn't, you know?
• i'm going to love you forever. i'm going to love you forever, i know it.