cut back down to my knees

11 Aug, 2024

the last two weeks have been real tough to weather and in spite of my base instincts, i will actually get into it this time.

grandpa's in the hospital doing physical therapy after a nasty fall fractured a bit of bone close to his hip and i'm just so... angry and exhausted. he's relatively alright now and sprightly enough to fuss over every nurse on his floor again, but god. what a scare. even as i write this with the intent to publish, the heat is crawling up my throat from guilt. it feels so wrong for me to say i'm struggling when he's doing his best to get better and there's not anything i can actively do sans stretch his toes or hold his hand when i see him.

it's not really in my repertoire to talk about the nitty-gritty of grief because as per asian family tradition i am trained in the art of repressing emotion — but the morning of grandpa's operation i woke up in a cold sweat and nearly threw up in bed trying to catch my breath, so i figure this is the point where i either come clean or reset all the progress forged with my meds.

i've been trying to get my life together since slipping up senior year of college but every sincere attempt to do so has been bogged down by a roiling fog of anxiety. i can't recall a single month in the past five years someone i loved wasn't either in treatment or recovery or relapse; i am genuinely so afraid of making plans beyond a single day at a time, it's crazy. forget ambition. nothing gets me to freeze up faster than an invite to hang out. i worry i'll have to cancel last minute for whatever medical emergency crops up or force someone to accommodate me, and truly the only way i have managed to push through the fear of ruining all my relationships outside family is the fervor and patience with which my friends have reached out.

it's the small stuff that's been fucking me up, mostly. grandma passed away in march after a three year long fight with cancer, and we finally got around to selling the bed¹ she used when she was well enough to be confined at home. this weekend i overheard mom and her sister are planning to buy another for grandpa while he stays in manila to recover.² it sucks, but it's nobody's fault, and it's killing me to be so hung up over something so objectively minor in the grand scheme of things. i can't even explain myself properly. no matter how many times i'm told suffering isn't a competition, venting about how hard everything's been feels awfully close to equating people to burdens, being selfish, or shirking responsibility. i'll never get used to it.

i think i am going to kick my feet up for a bit, though. really hit the brakes and take some time to cool off and regroup. normally i'd do my best not to falter but i really am tired now. gotta make taking it easy an agenda. i can tell because i've been writing more than ever; for all that i love it i know the signs. it's usually cause for concern when the tide is always high.