balancing act
one of my new year's resolutions was to do a light workout everyday for three months and i am currently on day sixty-four of the challenge. (two-thirds of the way there!)
wish i could say i got to this point out of a real concern for my well-being, but in truth all i have is pride. if i'd been left to my own devices, i wouldn't have made it past the first week of trying. no matter how great it feels to maintain healthy habits i always struggle to commit longterm. the only thing that keeps me bolting upright out of bed at 11:30 p.m. to lift weights is the fact that i publicized my counter on an account with, like, fifty of my friends max.1
social media is definitely a disease but it’s crazy what i can get myself to do with some forced accountability. i’m a simpleton at heart. proclaiming goals feels herculean because i’m deathly afraid of looking lame, or coming off too headstrong. i've got to make an honest effort at whatever comes out of my mouth or i'll end up feeling super embarrassed for no reason.
it's a bad case of a big ego. exceeding expectations is the quickest route to seeming like you've got your shit together, so i'm prone to keeping my ambitions to myself in the hope of... i don't even know. being perceived as larger than life and endlessly indifferent about it? i forget how cool it is to just do the thing you said you would.
still, it's tricky. holding myself to a higher standard often feels like walking on a tightrope. i know too much pushing could take me out of the race completely, but too little won't get me anywhere at all.
i wanna believe i'm over the bulk of my hang-ups, but god is it hard to unlearn the fear of wanting.2 like, when you’re a kid they tell you that if you say a wish out loud it won’t come true, and that's the kind of thing that stays with you forever. but realistically speaking? i'm pretty sure i’ve only ever gotten what i wanted by clamoring for it actively— often desperately.
much to think about... in any case, i feel stronger physically and am psyched about this! the whole thyroid issue i have made it so i could never hold on to muscle before i started taking medication; i'm happy to report this is no longer true.
don’t know if i’ve got the space for it, but i’m thinking about starting another accountability thread for drawing practice every week. i’m worried it’ll interfere with getting my workouts in since i still have a month to go before the all-clear, but i really want to move forward this year; take this bravado that doesn’t feel like my own and run with it as far as i can.
017: figuring out how not to be icarus but still reach for the sun
none of whom would judge whether i’m updating it consistently anyway lol↩
my friend misha wrote a really thoughtful post about this exact sort of feeling recently and it's been stewing in my brain for a hot minute ><↩